How time passed and life change through.

So, my last blog was a long damn time ago. I know I am never a good blogger anyways, and I really need to change that lame layout of mine, dude, I have no idea how to change it. I know, maybe I am the one who's lame. Crap.

I didn't know where to start to catch up all the things that has happened in my life in the past few months. Let's just start it since High School started. My whole life changes when I know I enter a giant black hole, true people, I called my own school a black hole, it sucks me and I am pretty much drained. I know, suck-ish.

July to December, a semester to through, and I feel like I am all fed up with all the dramas, too many kind of dramas I have been watching, and sometimes I took a pretty good role of itself, I am tired with those plastics, God, I just want to have them off my mind a little bit. Kay I lied, I want them off my life for real.

I escaped reality for couple times during the semester, once happened in August 4 2010.

Creds : Rya Pangestu

The All Time Low's concert. The third concert I attended and turned out to be the most unforgettable one. It was also my first concert without my sister, Ayu and Rya were there though, psst, it was also my first time meeting Vany. I escaped reality for one whole night, even though there was the bitter sweet, still, I escaped.

The second : September 23 2010


The Jakarta Jam '11. I didn't take good pictures at the gigs, but I did a shot with Forrest from Hello Goodbye <3 it was another bitter sweet moments, remembering what I've struggle days before the gigs. I just got my ticket one day before!

After all those reality escapes, I had to walk my way to school and faced the bitches. Trust me, too many dramas I took a part of, I'm tired man. As if tumblr said, Y U NO GO AWAY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMAS? Right, i spent too much time there. lol

The reality had been treating me awfully until that day, December 4 2010 if I'm not mistaken, Java Musikindo announced that they're pulling The Downtown Fiction to Jakarta. I was just too happy for them, I've known them since they play those private backyard shows, and they just go up on stage singing in big gigs. Who else wouldn't be proud? They must have kidding me right?

Aight then, it's just a little of my mind, I mean come on, I've seen terrible news for Indonesia, and my life, it couldn't be more of a disaster, but why live in miserable while i can have my own shot for the joys? All those escaping-reality-moments, I couldn't ask for better nights, I can't wait till my next-reality-escape-moment, it would be awesome.

TDF was just some indie bands who barely have enough money for a tour, and looking what they have through till where they are right now, I couldn't ask for a better idol or anything, though I had my ups and downs, they're somehow affecting my whole life. All those times and everything, i know I'm blessed. Thank God for everything <333


-Amelia

Thank you, but sorry..

Haven't been here in such a long time~
Let't just say this is my confession blog. I need to confess about every single thing I've through in the last 4 months or so. It all began in March 2010. The big deal. The national exam. The deal everyone was talking about. Lets just skipped that part because really, I had put my everything onto it, and I was just doing it fine. Perfectly fine.

March-April = National Exam, checked.
April = Practical Exam, checked.
April-May = School Final Exam, checked.

So, basically, I was all school-free since May 2010, yet, every Indonesian students haven't even know about their result just yet. In 17th of May, We were given our result, guess what? I scored :

English : 9,80.
Bahasa : 9,00
Math : 7,25
Science : 7,00

Total : 33,05.

I was hyped at the moment, I wasn't worry about anything, at all. But then, my friends came up with a bigger score, which didn't bother me at all. Why didn't I bothered? Let's just say I knew their dirty little secrets. Don't mean to be conceited or anything, I scored them all with my own brain, not a single cheat. I was hella proud of the score.

Then months passed by, I've graduated from the school, I've had my farewell celebration with my school pals, I was ready to be a freshmen for Senior High School. Starting at July 1st. Every graduated students may start to apply their application based on their own score to the school they wanted. I wanted to apply to this school, SMAN 66. My score passed their passing grade. And because of an-internal-error-in-the-government, we all have to re-apply our application.

It is hard to imagine how my life would be without my best friends. without my crush and everything I already used to. Fitting in to a new group of friends and new area of school and everything. I knew it was going to be hard, but I never thought it would be this hard. what makes everything seems way harder are, when all my other friends are accepted to the school they wanted, I haven't.

This will make a new page of story if I blabbing about this. But that's not my point. I had been so stressed out since March, I calmed down a bit in May till June. But I never really calm. I have always freaked out. I cried almost every night thinking about what the future will bring. I have always think about how can I make my family proud of me. And most importantly, I wanted to show everyone that I am not just a spoiled girl who lives under her mother's and sister's shadows. I wanted to be respected for at least what I am.

I've always thought this may be it. The last chance to prove them wrong. And the chance now flew by. I couldn't make it to the public school, I now apply to a fucking, Goddamn Private school. It bummed me down a lot, cause I just wanted a chance to prove everyone that I am a one, smart, and proud girl. Now everything's just a scam. They're just dreams that will fade by the time goes by. I'm loosing hope, I'm having my doubts, I'm loosing the best of me. I lost my confidence, and worse, I've lost my dreams. I don't even think I know what I should aim right now.

My family didn't know this. They never know how I cry in the middle of the night and feel sorry for myself. How I had been blaming myself in the past eight days. I just don't think to tell them, and now, that I failed to get accepted at Public school, everything seemed way worse, cause they think I just don't care, while I had been crying all day and blaming myself for my failure.

Sorry I disappointed you. I never want to be a failure, or a-pain-in-the-ass-member-of-the-family, but I guess I just have to be one, and maybe I will always be. Sorry to let you down. If there's anything I can do to fix it, I will.


-Amelia

problems wherever i go.

hey blogger! today i've had my exam going good, and controlled. i mean i can do most of it. still, some shits are bothering my mind. remember i've told you about nono. remember that he was a really nice, innocent boy? things change. he's not as he used to. he aint the boy i fell in love with anymore. he gets too cold and i get too sensitive. i used to not mind if some boy i like called me with 'hey! or ey or woy!" but i dont know why he succeeded made me feel so burnt up.

so yesterday was his birthday and i struggle so hard to stay up late only to text him a happy birthday wish. i was expecting a reply for the text message too, only a 'thanks' would mean everything for me. but nope. i got no reply. today, as i told you, im on exam week, and we're separated, he's upstairs, im downstairs. he treated everyone who greeted him a happy birthday but infact, i was the first person who greeted him, and i got no treatment. at first i didnt give a damn. i wish him because i care about him, not for the treatment. but apparently life's being UNFAIR to me. i so fucked up.

and besides, have you ever felt being compared? i have. most of the time, every teachers compared me to my sister. i just cant take it. i mean, i am me. i am nobody but me. i do things my own, i dont do the way she did. from all 53 teachers, there are only several who called me right. who calls me 'amelia' NOT, 'amanda'. even the one who knows my potential still called me, 'amanda' HEY! im the one who brings the school's name in every competition. not her. i won the first and third place. not her. but why on earth does she still comparing me? it hurts. it gives me a HUGE BUMMER. how do i supposed to feel confidence when no one is cheering me up? when everyone still thinks she's better than i am? HOW?

being compared is what blocking me. thats why i cant be true to my self. thats why i dont move on. and thats why i think school sucks. i can pretend like i dont care about 'nono' but this? i cant. i cant pretend like i am fine while im not. i can't just deal. its not right. people should've seen me as me. not her. and somehow, somehow it distracted me. it makes me think, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME? why cant i be her? and when i looked down, i wish i was someone else. i wish im a smarter person. im a more intelligent and more i dont know, im more as they wanted me as. im tired. i have been faking my self since i was in the 7th grade. it just reach my boiling point. this is the point where i cant hold on any longer. but i cant just speak. i cant speak out loud, cause i would put somebody in a shame if i do.

dont treat me like a fool - blue

"Don't Treat Me Like A Fool"

It's been hard wakin' up, wakin' up to the truth
I've been so blind, couldn't see for love no.
Tried my best to ignore it, wish the pain away
But just like tomorrow, its coming round again.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

Thought I gave you the best, but it wasn't enough
You took advantage of my trusting heart
Tried my best to forgive you, did my best to forget
I am done with the tears and there are no regrets.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

I know I'll be reaching out to touch you in the night
Holding on to the memories, Cos you're not here to hold me tight
You lied when you told me, It hurt to be apart
When all the lying you're doing is in someone else's arms.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

its a song that probably describe my feeling right now.
youre one of my best friend, and ILY

Immature much?

BLOGGYYY. sorry jarang nge post disini, gue gak punya cerita serius untuk gue post disini, tapi yang jelas, skrg itu gue lagi kesel banget. gue cuma gak nyangka kalo orng2 yang lebih tua dari gue ternyata malaah bisa lebih gak kekanak2an. gila lo?

mereka berantem ini itu ini itu, WOY KALO BERANTEM GIMANA CARA KERJANYA? gue gamau main nge claim satu pihak salah. waktu itu gue netral aja, gue bantuin si 'C' ini biar si 'f' bisa maafin dia, setelah si 'f' mau maafin, eh si 'c' nya gini lagi. kalo mereka tetep gini juga lama lama gue yang keluar. tapi gue gamau ngecewain si 'f' gila dia baik bgt sama gue :/ ughhh

this whole thing is making me sick. making me SAD :"(