Haven't been here in such a long time~
Let't just say this is my confession blog. I need to confess about every single thing I've through in the last 4 months or so. It all began in March 2010. The big deal. The national exam. The deal everyone was talking about. Lets just skipped that part because really, I had put my everything onto it, and I was just doing it fine. Perfectly fine.
March-April = National Exam, checked.
April = Practical Exam, checked.
April-May = School Final Exam, checked.
So, basically, I was all school-free since May 2010, yet, every Indonesian students haven't even know about their result just yet. In 17th of May, We were given our result, guess what? I scored :
English : 9,80.
Bahasa : 9,00
Math : 7,25
Science : 7,00
Total : 33,05.
I was hyped at the moment, I wasn't worry about anything, at all. But then, my friends came up with a bigger score, which didn't bother me at all. Why didn't I bothered? Let's just say I knew their dirty little secrets. Don't mean to be conceited or anything, I scored them all with my own brain, not a single cheat. I was hella proud of the score.
Then months passed by, I've graduated from the school, I've had my farewell celebration with my school pals, I was ready to be a freshmen for Senior High School. Starting at July 1st. Every graduated students may start to apply their application based on their own score to the school they wanted. I wanted to apply to this school, SMAN 66. My score passed their passing grade. And because of an-internal-error-in-the-government, we all have to re-apply our application.
It is hard to imagine how my life would be without my best friends. without my crush and everything I already used to. Fitting in to a new group of friends and new area of school and everything. I knew it was going to be hard, but I never thought it would be this hard. what makes everything seems way harder are, when all my other friends are accepted to the school they wanted, I haven't.
This will make a new page of story if I blabbing about this. But that's not my point. I had been so stressed out since March, I calmed down a bit in May till June. But I never really calm. I have always freaked out. I cried almost every night thinking about what the future will bring. I have always think about how can I make my family proud of me. And most importantly, I wanted to show everyone that I am not just a spoiled girl who lives under her mother's and sister's shadows. I wanted to be respected for at least what I am.
I've always thought this may be it. The last chance to prove them wrong. And the chance now flew by. I couldn't make it to the public school, I now apply to a fucking, Goddamn Private school. It bummed me down a lot, cause I just wanted a chance to prove everyone that I am a one, smart, and proud girl. Now everything's just a scam. They're just dreams that will fade by the time goes by. I'm loosing hope, I'm having my doubts, I'm loosing the best of me. I lost my confidence, and worse, I've lost my dreams. I don't even think I know what I should aim right now.
My family didn't know this. They never know how I cry in the middle of the night and feel sorry for myself. How I had been blaming myself in the past eight days. I just don't think to tell them, and now, that I failed to get accepted at Public school, everything seemed way worse, cause they think I just don't care, while I had been crying all day and blaming myself for my failure.
Sorry I disappointed you. I never want to be a failure, or a-pain-in-the-ass-member-of-the-family, but I guess I just have to be one, and maybe I will always be. Sorry to let you down. If there's anything I can do to fix it, I will.
-Amelia
