hey blogger! today i've had my exam going good, and controlled. i mean i can do most of it. still, some shits are bothering my mind. remember i've told you about nono. remember that he was a really nice, innocent boy? things change. he's not as he used to. he aint the boy i fell in love with anymore. he gets too cold and i get too sensitive. i used to not mind if some boy i like called me with 'hey! or ey or woy!" but i dont know why he succeeded made me feel so burnt up.
so yesterday was his birthday and i struggle so hard to stay up late only to text him a happy birthday wish. i was expecting a reply for the text message too, only a 'thanks' would mean everything for me. but nope. i got no reply. today, as i told you, im on exam week, and we're separated, he's upstairs, im downstairs. he treated everyone who greeted him a happy birthday but infact, i was the first person who greeted him, and i got no treatment. at first i didnt give a damn. i wish him because i care about him, not for the treatment. but apparently life's being UNFAIR to me. i so fucked up.
and besides, have you ever felt being compared? i have. most of the time, every teachers compared me to my sister. i just cant take it. i mean, i am me. i am nobody but me. i do things my own, i dont do the way she did. from all 53 teachers, there are only several who called me right. who calls me 'amelia' NOT, 'amanda'. even the one who knows my potential still called me, 'amanda' HEY! im the one who brings the school's name in every competition. not her. i won the first and third place. not her. but why on earth does she still comparing me? it hurts. it gives me a HUGE BUMMER. how do i supposed to feel confidence when no one is cheering me up? when everyone still thinks she's better than i am? HOW?
being compared is what blocking me. thats why i cant be true to my self. thats why i dont move on. and thats why i think school sucks. i can pretend like i dont care about 'nono' but this? i cant. i cant pretend like i am fine while im not. i can't just deal. its not right. people should've seen me as me. not her. and somehow, somehow it distracted me. it makes me think, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ME? why cant i be her? and when i looked down, i wish i was someone else. i wish im a smarter person. im a more intelligent and more i dont know, im more as they wanted me as. im tired. i have been faking my self since i was in the 7th grade. it just reach my boiling point. this is the point where i cant hold on any longer. but i cant just speak. i cant speak out loud, cause i would put somebody in a shame if i do.
